Simply Thoughts

Confessions - Revised

2006-11-28T00:24:39Z

Momma had dressed me in my best Sunday dress, and my hair was curled just so. I could still smell the noxious fumes from the hair spray she'd insisted upon. "We have to make you look presentable. Can't have anyone thinking we're ashamed, now can we?"
The car ride was quiet. What more was there to say? The secrets had been revealed - now we all had to face the consequences. Papa turned on the radio, and I was grateful. Silence isn't always golden. Sometimes its tainted red with anger, or black with hate.
"Lili, you make sure to say exactly what I told you this morning, you understand? This is your brother we're talking about. He may have done wrong by you, but two wrongs don't make a right."
The court room wasn't what I expected. There was no high ceiling with fans whirling stale air around. The baliff wasn't fat or balding. In fact the baliff wasn't even a man. She didn't stare contemptuously out at the crowd either. One too many "Matlock" episodes, perhaps. But what surprised me most was the judge. He wasn't old and gray with a permanent frown on his face, and he wasn't in sweeping black robes. He only rapped his gavel once for attention, and he rather looked like he detested the tradition.
I listened to the opening statements and the initial proceedings that I still don't understand with baited breath. I didn't move or speak or so much as twitch until my brother came into the room. My very soul seemed paralyzed.
He was in the standard screaming-orange jumper, and his twelve-year-old hands and legs were shackled. The chains clinked quietly with each step he took, but their damning song echoed horribly in the silence. My eyes never left him. He cast me a single look from his seat, a look I couldn't read with my eight-year-old mind, and never looked at me again. Guilt doesn't like to show its face.
There were more proceedings and long, boring speeches. Then my name was called. I was startled and jumped as it was called again. I stood and stole a glance at my papa. He smiled at me reassuringly, looking strained. I looked at my mother and she beckoned me closer. "Remember what I told you." She kissed my cheek and smoothed my hair, like a mother should. "He's blood, and I won't have you ruin his reputation over something so silly."
I walked to the chair our lawyer pointed to. I put my hand on the Bible and I swore the Oath. I looked at the judge and he smiled down at me. "Do you understand the oath you've just taken, young lady?" His voice was kind and gentle. I nodded. "You'll need to speak into the microphone." He smiled again.
"Yes, Sir." My voice echoed inside my own head. I had just sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So help me God.
"Okay, I have a few questions I need you to answer for me. Can you do that?"
"Yes, Sir." The echoes again.
"Is your brother in this room?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Can you point him out to me?"
I pointed. "Yes, Sir" again.
"Did he hurt you in any way?"
I looked at my mother, then my father, then my brother one last time. My gaze fell back upon the Bible the baliff had set aside. My heart, so still all this time, finally began to beat. All I could hear was blood thundering in my ears and the soft whisper of my breath coming in and out in short gasps. I thought I might faint.
"Lili, please answer the question. Did your brother hurt you in any way?"
The oath I had just taken repeated in my mind, and I found myself crying softly. "Yes, Sir," I whispered, and silence so complete I could have gone deaf fell on the room. I stared at my brother, who was determinedly staring at his own hands, and I confessed all his silly sins for him.
©Lilian Leader 2006

The Climb

2006-09-09T08:53:36Z

Prologue:

Its sad when your best friend is a computer screen. Pathetic that you can pour your heart and soul into a keyboard before you can dare bare it to living breathing person. And ultimately pointless too.

My brain knows all of that. It's screaming at me to find someone to talk to. Someone to trust. To ask for help. It's the last one that's hard. I've never been very good at asking for help. I can give it in a heart beat. Need advice - here's what you do. Need help moving, I'll be over at noon. Want to talk, my ear is always open. I know what to do when your life is a disaster, but what about mine?

How do I admit, out loud, that I have no idea what to do? That I don't even know what's wrong? But something is terribly wrong. Horribly wrong. Unimaginably wrong. Tears aren't supposed to fall so much they run dry, and smiles shouldn't be so brittle they'll crack under pressure. Heart beats aren't supposed to climb so high it hurts to breathe, and your own thoughts aren't supposed to destroy you.

But mine do. Everyday.

You're not good enough. You don't matter. You're dirty, used up, washed out. Why do you bother? You know you'll always fail. Life is just too hard. It's your fault. Your. Fault.

How do I ask for help with that?

Chapter 1:

My grandma used to say that life is like a river. It flows over rough patches and smooth patches alike. I never really knew what grandma meant by that. For me, life is a cage, and I'm the animal in the zoo. Fingers prod me, faces stare, and garbage always manages to find a way inside the bars.

My name is Roxanne DeWalt, but people call me Roxy. I'm fourteen years old, and this is my diary. I don't know what the purpose of writing all of this out is yet. I'm told that writing is supposed to be healing though, so I figure it can't hurt. If ever there was a girl in need of a little healing, it's me.

But let's start with the basics. I go to PS 113 in Boston, Massachuesettes. I live in a two bedroom apartment with my mother and two younger sisters. Mom works three jobs to keep food on the table and never lets me forget it. Deidrah and Natalie are my sisters - three and eight. All of us have different daddies. Trademark of a single mother in the big city.

I like to draw. It's the only thing I'm really any good at, but Mom says that pretty pictures don't buy college educations. I haven't had an art class since the fourth grade, but that's alright. I know Mom only wants what's best for me. She may be single and hard-working and just a little bitter towards men, but she loves me and my sisters.

My daddy left when I was five. He just packed up and left one day and we never saw him again. I have a picture of him that I keep under my mattress so Mom won't see. Sometimes, I take it out and just stare at it, trying to find a part of myself in that man's eyes. So far I haven't seen anything but my nose. And that's not exactly what I'm looking for.

Diedrah's daddy left when Mom told him she was pregnant. At least my daddy stuck it out for a few years. Natalie's is the really sad tale though. Her daddy put a ring on Momma's finger the same day he got hit by a taxi. I actually liked Derrik too. But, life goes on.

There's Mom hollering at me to finish the dishes. I'll be back to write more.

TBC

~Lili

Writer's Kiss

2006-09-04T10:01:02Z

You call yourself a writer
but do you know the meaning?
Emotion is not the only ingrediant
your readers should be gleaning;

Love, hope, sorrow, fear
all emotions we know well
can you paint them in a picture
with sounds that smell?

Is your paper an oil canvas
waiting for its face?
Or does your pen hover
staying in a single place?
Has it traversed the edges
of each corner of the earth?
Has it reached for the untouchable
sprinted through the universe?

Is your ink your promise
to bring beauty, even in pain?
Can you show instead of say
that the meadow needs a rain?

You call yourself a writer,

but let me ask you this:

Can you say honestly
that you know Writing's kiss?

~Lili

Shadows

2006-09-04T07:17:10Z

Looking in the mirror
I'll tell you what I see,
the shadow of a woman
supposedly me.

A scar runs from her chin
to her dull green eye
the mark left by pain
and ever-present lie.

Skin that's almost see-through
except for a patch of black,
the yellow around it -
results of talking back.

Hair hangs thick
around her sallow face
and her lips twitch
to keep the smile in place.

The shadow has no voice
can't laugh or sing or speak;
She's trained now,
humble, small, and meek.

Looking in a mirror
I'll tell you what I see:
the shadow of a woman
that once was me.

~Lili

Heads, You Lose

2006-08-28T08:39:50Z

Did you know that once I loved you?
Once I might have cared -
but my heart, its shriveled,
petty, small, and scared.
It beats but barely
and can't stand another blow;
it won't open the door again
so don't buy tickets to the show.
Thorns have pierced it
and still it bleeds
bandaids can't heal these wounds
and time's not all it needs.
Come to me with begging eyes
and tearful confessions;
If you want my advice,
pay me for the sessions.
No more a servant to your will
called upon when you choose
I flipped the coin, you called tail
lucky heads, you lose.

~Lili

Always

2006-08-15T04:15:28Z

Sweet, sweet normalacy
tempered only by distance;
how great to be cuddled
without a wall of resistance.

Sun, sand, and waves
the things dreams are made of
Laughter and caresses
Can this spark mean love?

Goofy grins and sly smiles
given in secret of night
and palms that
fit each other just right.

Can this be true?
Surely there's some mistake;
Have I finally found the one
who know's what love takes?

Will he be calm and clear
when logic is needed
but able to bust a gut
with the laughter seeded?

Will he listen to my dreams
and tell me all his,
while we're snuggled together
beneath star-strewn bliss?

And when anger clouds
and sorrow consumes
will his heart see through
when love seems doomed?

Pray tell me, dear Lord
in your graceful way
I've found the man who'll
be with me always.

Grave of Regret

2006-08-13T02:07:43Z

Ah, my love, my love
still silken with sweat
give me one little shove
into the grave of regret.
Pile mounds upon my body
of the finest, filthiest dirt
filled with all that is rotting
and with death shall I flirt
Give me a solid stone marker
to place atop my new home
engrave it with words darker
than any horror filled tome -
"Here lies my sweet wife
in earth-blanketed rest."
Written with liar's skilled knife
and sealed with your deadly kiss.
Come back each December
when frost bites the air
and place a rose to remember
the hate burried here.
For though they are rotten
and can no longer see
my eyes have not forgotten
the bruises you left on me.
My ears will always listen
with terror-filled awe
to your tears that still glisten
as you lie to them all.
My soul will writhe
with unrequitted rage
and when you take a new wife
I'll turn the page.
On the darkest of nights
when all is fanciful with lore
I'll bewitch you with the sights
that bedazzled me before;
Then send your mind reeling
with maddened glee,
let you find that fierce feeling
that traps your feet as they flee.
And with a smile still playing
about my deathly-white lips
I'll lay on your mouth your betraying
and always deadly kiss.

Love's Delight

2006-08-10T07:50:14Z

What fools we are that
we'd divine our own hearts,
how cruel and arrogant indeed,
for love is not a choice one makes
but a command that kicks and screams.
Watch a lover demand a kiss from her beau,
and tell me that love is gentle and kind.
Witness the agony of a mother giving birth,
then claim the bliss that only poets dream of
and only the insane can know.
Examine, if you will, the tears that fall
so carelessly from a widow's eyes.
Then come to me and say again
the love is something to treasure
something sent from above.
No, it is only...
Pain, so often mixed with pleasure,
then dashed into the oceans of blood.

Prayer to Time - WIP

2006-08-10T07:34:15Z

Time, answer me,

you slip away so stealthily,

like a thief in blackest night

whilst tears blur mine sight.

Time, deny me not

the hope that yesterdays lay forgot

She needs not the memories

or their precious tragedies.

Time, hear this prayer

in this one moment, please be fair.

Mend a cracked and bleeding soul

that her spirit may run and flow,

as the river over it's rocky bed

for her feet have miles yet to tread.

Take from her eyes

the tears of so many lies;

In their stead, place thy grace

that smiles may crease her face.

Time, answer me,

that no longer must she grieve.

Be kind to one among few

for she was not unkind to you.

Humbling Pleas and Hidden Keys

2006-08-10T07:33:32Z

Pray tell, good sir,
in words quick with haste
your soul is not
bitter upon first taste.

   Grant this comfort seed
   Before tragedy dire
   that beneath iced shell
   Burns impassioned fire.

Pray tell a man's heart beats
yet unconquered by ill-used time,
longing for beauty's grace,
regretting every sinless crime.

   Confess, good sir,
   in humbling moans and pleas --
   inside your cage
   you've stashed away the keys...

Trust

2006-08-10T07:32:28Z

Trust,

what a fickle friend you are that

you'd give yourself

completely and

unbridled

to he whose face you've

yet to lay eyes upon,

while you hide in haunted shadows from

he whose face you have loved

awaiting the heartbreaking revelations

which may never come.

Frozen Hearts - WIP

2006-08-10T07:32:05Z

Cold, hard, unrelenting
how callous the exterior becomes -
while beneath the steel a frozen heart
still longs to beat, or so I prayed.

My own is numbing, unable to bear
the burden of pain from a loved life
that's decided its better to die, cold and lonely
than live with the pain only passion can bring.

Yet now I listen to, in whispered stresses,
the words I've so long sought to hear;
But is it too late to bring back to vibrant life
that which is wrinkled and broken and scared?

Various Shorts

2006-08-09T23:51:50Z

love is pain

pain is growth

growth is life.
~*~*~*~*~*~

To live alone

is to die alive.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Let's take this leap
into the forbidden
with giggling smiles
while they're left
baffled.
~*~*~*~*~*~
What you search for in vain
I find in faith.

Peace.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When you can't find
a single place to turn,
just look up.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Once
we stood together
a wall against the world
now
we stand divided
walls against ourselves.
~*~*~*~*~*~
The love of hate
leads to the destruction
of all.
~*~*~*~*~*~
No one can
replace you in my heart
and now
you can't even
replace yourself.
~*~*~*~*~*~
My tears are falling,
who will catch them?
~*~*~*~*~*~
There are only so many
seconds in a minute,
minutes in an hour,
hours in a day,
days in a year,
years in a life -
Use them well.
~*~*~*~*~*~
They say tears are healing
yet to heal
mustn't they spring from pain?
Does this mean
pleasure can destroy?
~*~*~*~*~*~
You told me once
when we were young
that I had breeched your strongest wall.
Now, I stand before you
soul laid bare for all to see
begging you to come breech mine.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Save your tears, my love
for someone more deserving.
Save your pain,
your grief,
for a recipient worthy of
their glory.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Love:
so simple
in a complicated sort of way
much like the spider's web
with its beautiful, perfect
geometric patterns that
glisten with dew drops and
bedazzle you so
that you end up
trapped.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When relationships
become battlegrounds
deep craters are formed;
inside, no bodies are found
instead the gaping holes
are filled with broken hearts.
Words left unsaid,
tore them all apart.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It's like
cool sand
slipping slowly
straight through
my tightly clasped fingertips.
I'm clutching your sleeve
fighting to keep you
close but you're
just falling
away...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A million apologies
will never replace
three little words
you can't say.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I used to think that
wehn times were tough
you'd be my beacon
on the stormy sea;
I wish sometimes
that you hadn't
proved me wrong.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dreams are the foundation
ever-changing though it may be
from which we must carve our goals;
for though they are not solid,
our dreams have substance.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Golden droplets fell softly,
from her pale, pale eyes -
the only bit of color left
being sucked dry by
so many lies...

Face

2006-08-09T23:37:55Z

The lift of an eyebrow
the tilt of a grin
The silent progression of tears
to a slightly crooked chin.
The flecks of gold
in eyes filled with sadness or joy.
The pinkness in cheeks
of the one being coy.
Emotions flit across it
betraying innermost thoughts
of wars gallantly won
and battles bitterly lost.
All shapes and sizes
all colors, tints, and shades.
The most predominate of features:
The radiant, betraying face.

Untitled - WIP

2006-08-09T23:36:38Z

When heaven and hell collide
and the stars fall from grace
On angels' wings I'll glide
to place a fingertip upon your face.

I'll lift your lips to mine
giving in to mortal temptation
And kiss you till the end of time
it's my sweet redemption.

In all the universe
nothing could be so sweet
as the fleshes curse
and that rapid heart's beat.

Hell can cast me out
While Heaven expels me
I haven’t a doubt
Your touch will set me free.

Brussel Sprouts

2006-08-09T23:36:02Z

Brussel sprouts
So squishy squirmy in the mouth
Good for you they say
I’ll take broccoli over brussels any day.
Tiny, tyrannical cabbages
After which my mournful mouth needs bandages.
Slipping, sliding down a slimed up throat
To my terrified tummy’s moat.
Another serving? I think not!
These things that make taste buds rot
And look like rotten, repulsive tea dregs
Are being fed to the dog, tail tucked between legs.

Untitled - WIP

2006-08-09T23:35:25Z

You're the goofy grin
that lights up my face
and the sudden bursts of inspiration
that I seem to find all over the place
You're the star I wish upon
when dusk slowly fades to night
and you're the way I know
that somehow, its going to be alright
You're the one thing keeping me sane
when life seems like such erratic chaos
and you're that little voice in the back of my mind
reminding me I forgot to floss.
You're in everything I see
and you're in everything I feel
and every inch of me knows
You're what makes my heart heal.
So I'll say it once a minute
for every day I'm alive
Praise to you, my God
I'll see you when I reach the skies.

Souls on Lend

2006-08-09T23:33:50Z

Once upon a time
in a land faraway
An angel of mine
looked down on our parade
And what she saw
brought tears to her eyes
For the law
had met its demise
All things unjust
had spread throughout the land
And the freedom of trust
was in low demand
Pain seeped into dreams
and anguish lived in nightmares
And still people looked for means
to justify ends that left no one to care
Left no one to see
that in the end
We are all what we were meant to be
we are all just souls on lend.

Wind's Song

2006-08-09T23:33:01Z

Those majestic Evergreens

are bowing to her might

subserviant to her will

almost dancing to her song...

Mighty Ocean cannot
     withstand her thrashing melody
          but crashes with her to the shore
               adding a rhythmic heartbeat to her song...

Now Thunder joins
sending his deep baritone

to mingle with her sweet soprano

such harmonies can only exist in her song...

Oh, Lightnening strikes
adding a note of mystery

playing a chord of fear

making a concert from her song...

What a show

     Wind puts on for us
          in the deep of the night
               we huddle under covers;

Listening intently to her song...

Praying - WIP

2006-08-09T23:32:28Z

The sands of time flow
like a river to the salty sea
Yet still I sit, caught
between you and sanity.
Reality fades from darkest black
to starkest white
Even as I wait for the ride to begin,
hanging on tight
I know that in this moment
everything may fall apart
In this moment
when I hand over my heart.
My most prized possession
is yours for the taking
And I'm praying here,
praying that you’re not forsaking…

Loving the Shadows

2006-08-09T23:30:31Z

I used to watch the light

teasing those poor shadows

blitzing into their darkness

only to flit away again.

How I wished for

just one touch

just one moment

of that light's warmth.

But no longer do I long

for the happy that is so very

temporary.

I've learned and grown

and searched and hoped;

I've managed to light

my own little candle.

It was weak at first, barely a flicker

and the smallest breath

could put it out.

But I kept my matches with me

and relit my candle each time

though once in a while

it was easier said than done.

Now, my candle is a beacon

inviting the shadows to share

and I'll not flit and blitz and treat them

so very carelessly.

I was a shadow once

cowering in my corner, just praying

for the temporary.

Now, I'm the permanent

and my light

outshines them all.

Shame Only Me - WIP

2006-08-09T23:06:49Z

Staring into the darkness
Lying quietly on the bed
Listen to the rumble on the street below
And think about the things you said.

Sick of crying for nothing
Sick of sleepless nights
Wondering what’s wrong with me
And why there’s no one I hold tight.

Lay a hand softly
On the empty side of the bed
And hear once again
Those hurtful things you said.

But you were only being honest
And since when is honesty a sin?
You were just letting me down easy
Stopping it before it could begin.

Telling me without saying it
We aren’t mean to be
I guess there are things more important
But at the moment, they’re things I can’t see.

Don’t blink
A tear may fall
And that glistening drop
Will shame us all.

You aren’t supposed to cry
When you’re denied what you want.
You’re supposed to buck it up, move on
And ignore failure’s taunt.

But it’s dark right now
No one can see
So maybe I’ll let one tear fall
That way, I shame only me.

Applaud the Day

2006-08-09T23:05:36Z

See the gentle mists roll across the ocean
Smell the salty freshness of the muggy morning air
Then see it peek over the horizon
That little smudge of pink, just over there.

Hear the gulls begin their morning chatter
And see the otters take their dip into the bay
Watch the waves crash into the rocky cliffs
Applauding the coming day.

See the lighthouse begin to wink out
As that smudge of pink grows to a brighter hue
And the mists begin to clear
Presenting a breathtaking view.

Observe the Sea meeting the Sky
And playing together as old friends do
Sea tossing up her sprays of white
And Sky down his rays of blue.

Feel the warmth Sun washes on her children
Watching them as only a mother knows how
Stand up and stretch out your body’s aches
Its time to start the day now.

Crashing

2006-08-09T23:04:34Z

And it’s crashing in around me
The little things that make such a huge difference
A word left unspoken
A gesture made in vain
That quirky smile on your lips
When you remind me how blonde I am
They’re all so nonessential
So quintessential
But amazingly defined in my mind’s eye
Every sardonic smile
Every lifted brow
Every snort that was a laugh
I hear it, see it, taste it, feel it
With every breath I take,
no matter how shallow or deep
You’ve seeped into my very skin
Like a sweet scent that lingers
Long after your lover has left your arms.
I think I’ve sunk below the surface of sanity
Into the deep recesses from which no one escapes
I think I’ve fallen for the one trick I swore my heart would never play.
And the realization is crashing in around me…

Your Words

2006-08-09T23:03:23Z

A fire burns within me
As I read your words
It ignites my soul into action
And my mind into faith
But even as the fire burns
A cool spring runs through,
Dousing the ferocity of the flames
And bringing peace and contentment
To my battle weary heart…